The Colours In My World

thoughts and myself.

 Tears flowed out uncontrollably
and finally I felt peace

This weekend I went to the 13th CFC Youth For Christ European Conference that was held in Dedbden House Court, Essex. It was a gathering of all YFCs from Austria to the United Kingdom and more than 250 youths attended the event. It was such an awesome three days! And I truly thank God for bringing me there. Truly his love is amazing and his timing perfect!

Truth be told before the conference, I was reverting back to what I was before the YFC. I was already having doubts, being complacent and my mind was starting to wander to things it shouldn't be. I was in the state of 'spiritual dryness' and was drifting away from Jesus.

I had a lot of fun meeting new people and past acquaintances, taking pictures, worshiping, listening, looking around, playing, eating, going to the workshops, making new friends, going to mass and chatting away; but somewhere in me was a person of indifference. There was a part of me that was detached to my surrounding and to what I was doing, so I never felt relieved, never truly enjoyed the moment, thus when our area head called us for a meeting and asked us 'What is God's message to you so far?'

I was at lost of what to say and have no idea at the time of what God was telling me. When I replied "Wala... I don't know" (Nothing... I don't know), our leader jokingly said, "Wala pa? kaylangan na ata tayong mag-worry nian" (None? Should we start worrying?)

That was two days into the conference, more than four times of worship, two workshops, a mass and a lot of prayers.

It was a question and an answer that made me uneasy and made me question myself more.

That evening, we had the next two talks of our conference. It was two very good talks and the sharers were very inspiring and touching but I was somehow stopping myself from engaging and fully immersing myself to what they were saying. It was late and I found myself getting droopy and being distracted of the things I was holding, of the people around me, the camera and the fact that my bladder was bursting and I badly needed the toilet. I was still a bit indifferent.

On the third day came the last mass and with it the last talk and the last worship given by Kuya Ralph. It was time for the talk titled 'Ready for the Win' and I was sitting at the front, with nothing to distract me except the people in front, the people beside me and my camera. I had a full view of the speaker and I had no choice but to listen intently. There was times that I wanted to go to sleep, yes. But most of the time I was awake and I was listening.

Maybe it was God's plan to put me in front. To stop me from being distracted and to finally listen to what he was trying to tell me all throughout the weekend. We are in a constant spiritual battle. Everyday, in all of the battlegrounds, Satan is attacking us. In our Family, Relationships, Studies, Hobbies and Service. Because we are special and because we are very loved by God the Father, we are more prone to these attacks. Satan has just one goal--that is to hurt God, and he's doing this by hurting and making his beloved children suffer.

But God knows this and that's why he gave us an armour to fight Satan and protect us from these attacks. He gave us his armour, specially and uniquely made for us. God knows that we are weak and easily swayed, he knows us best that's why he made this armour custom made for each and everyone of us. It is up to us to accept our own weaknesses, stand up and take up this armour and fight in his army.

During this last worship, I understood what one of the sharers felt when he said how wonderful it was to worship God and truly mean what you were singing. In this worship I found myself conversing to God and I understood the joy of acknowledging my weaknesses and lifting it all up to him. My surroundings didn't matter, I didn't care of all of the people around me, I didn't care if they see me cry, or if my voice broke. In that moment it was just God and Me. I was singing and worshiping him and I was meaning what I was saying. Finally, I heard God's message and my tears continued to flow out uncontrollably and I finally felt peace. All of my doubts, my anxiousness, fears, hurts, my feeling of unworthiness, dirtiness and my questions were answered and washed away. God said "I'm here, I'm always with you. Follow me."

I surrendered everything to God. He washed away my sins, purified my soul and made my heart at peace. He took me apart bit by bit and made me new. I decided to put on his armour, to be part of his army and run to him.

I am Saz and I am armed and ready!

God do not call the qualified. God qualifies the called.
-Father Angel

repost from blogspot

Talking to yourself... O.o
holic- hmmm
 Sometimes, you just can't help but to wonder, "Why am I even talking to myself?"

Do you have those moments when a random thought comes to you and you just randomly talk to yourself? Yes? Well don't fear because you're not the only one.

This random occurrence usually happen to me when I'm all alone at home with no one to talk to but myself. It's weird to be honest. One moment, I'm watching the TV or I'm reading a book and after a while a thought pops up and I start talking to myself. :/ 
Now, I'm sure I'm not loosing my sanity because well... just because. And I can assure you I am perfectly well (apart from the talking to myself part :P), I go to work, read, spend time with my family and friends etc.. etc.

Now this might be caused by boredom or what not but I guess, I just find it really odd that I'm doing it. :P

new books, girls day out and the 'BOX'
 We were all clambering about this morning and my usually messy room became messier as we were packing stuff in a box to be shipped to the Philippines. In the said 'to be shipped box' were the things that we will most likely use for our 25 days long stay in the Phil (Can't wait!!!) and other things, such as clothes, shoes, vhs that we have no need anymore and will probably give out to everyone. We thought of putting some chocolates inside, but we thought better of it since the box will spend 6 weeks in who-knows-what-temperature in the cargo ship. They would just end up into some kind of gooey goodness that one can't help but think of something unpleasant instead of a chocolate. So yea, we did not pack chocolates inside. We reckon that we could just put some chocolates in our baggage when we go home--it's easier that way and they won't melt. :P

Later on in the afternoon, when my dad went off to work, we decided to go out and buy some other stuff that we could put in our box. We ended up going from shop to shop looking for sale and cheap items. We found ourselves buying toiletries and shirts and I bought some cheap new books for myself in the charity shop. Namely: Assassin's Creed Renaissance by Oliver Bowden and Labyrinth by Kate Mosse. From what I've read of the teaser at the back of the books they are fairly interesting (otherwise, I wouldn't have bought them-duh!)  and I'm looking forward to spending the weekends reading them and having a pleasant day with myself. 
Having spent a good few hours scouring the high street, we went to an buffet Chinese restaurant despite our tummies not shouting 'we need food', we still went. Surprisingly, I ate quite a lot... I basically had a plate full of starters, Szechuan noodles, main dish  salad, Szechuan noodles, ice cream and some apple toffee *yum!*. It was a good fun and a great way of bonding with my sister and my mother so I'm a happy and full bunny today :)
I hope you guys had a fun day today as well!
jaa ne!

Now I know...
looking somewhere
I had a really long post for today's post but somehow due to my stupidity... I pressed the back a page button and everything was gone, so instead of the long journal... i'd just summarize what I have written before.

One might say that I am so used arriving late that I've never actually considered the feelings of the patient people that are waiting for my arrival( I usually arrive 5-10 minutes late when me and my friends are going out). But that all changed today. Today, I've realized what it feels like to wait for someone to turn up. 

More under the cut! Click me :DCollapse )

The awkward note of the missing writer.
looking somewhere
"Writer? Wai- who?!"

"Yes! Over here!" 

"You are?!" O.o

"Well... ummm... I was one." 


It just seems that the thought of continuing on with my stories and writing something, completely escaped me these past few weeks months (and continually escaping me till this day). Yes... I'm guilty of being too lazy to actually write down the bits and pieces that floats around my head and had only written nothing but useless nonsense of jumbled words (which strangely resembled poems-not the point). And so, if you haven't figured it out yet, most of my stories (particularly the multi-chapters) have been on-hold and I am currently in hiatus-till further notice. 

June Wedding :)
looking somewhere
 I'm psyched!!!! I love how my parents are planning to get married again for their 25th anniversary <3

Don't you think it's so sweet? I do. :P

Anyway... the person responsible for this ridonkulous idea was my dad... he is a romantic, if I may say so myself (ShhHh!!). He's doing all the preparation behind my mom's back. lol. Well of course, us siblings will end up doing all the work and coordination for him especially since we are planning to do the wedding in our home country, Philippines. We'd be doing a lot of phone calls, researching for good places and stuffs and nagging a lot of people, sending out invitations and all that. haha. I'm super excited. I can't wait for June!

To ignore? or not to ignore?
mad twin
The story goes like this... I was leaning on the information desk because I was talking to the lady over the counter and one of my volunteering colleague suddenly hugged me from behind. I was thinking nothing of it at first. I thought it was one of my friends so I said 'Hello' while turning around and was surprised when I saw that it wasn't. He was one of the old volunteer... At the time, I dismissed it, not wanting to dwell on the matter but now that I'm alone... I feel quite disturbed. I don't think he had any kind of malice when he hugged me but I don't know... I don't know what to think of it... :/

*sigh* For now, I'll just brush it aside because I just feel icky thinking about it but I'll be careful around him on the next time I have to volunteer- which is next Thursday...

Back to random posting :)
looking somewhere
My January Marathon finally ended!!! Hope you enjoyed it. It wasn't much really and some of them I still have to fill in but wooohooo! I've done it! :)

Writer's block is prolly healing and today I've gotten a breather. haha. The past 2 weeks was really hectic... I was practically going out everyday and this week is so laid back... I miss my busy days. Since I have the house all to myself today I went and sat on the couch, turned on the TV and my movie marathon commenced. I had a steaming tea on my right hand and brownies on the other. haha. 

I kinda wanted to watch the Exorcist but knowing myself I would scare the hell out of me and I'd be like a paranoid woman after watching it alone so I didn't. I'd save it for when I have someone living with me. :P

There ya go! This is my first entry for February and hello to normalcy!!! :D

January Entry 28 - Writer's Block: The name game
What's the origin of your username? If you could change it to anything else, would you, and what would it be?

Sayami is my alter ego... the name actually just popped out. I'm not sure about the exact details of its origin but I do remember that at the time, I was thinking of a pseudonym and I was really into anything related to Japan (places, culture, anime, manga, language etc.) so I thought I want a Japanese sounding pen name, thus, Sayami Inoue is born. Before you say, 'Inoue? as in Inoue from Bleach?' I shall tell you that I didn't get my surname from Bleach. Yes, there is an Inoue in Bleach but all I really wanted was a surname that isn't too odd and not so common. I did a wiki search and found Inoue and thought 'I like how it sounds' and there ya go. 

As for the 12 in my name... it really is just my favourite number :P

Would I change it? Probably not. I've grown to love being called Sayami :)

January Entry 27 - LSS!
Here's a beautiful extract of my current Last Song Syndrome, it is a very beautiful verse about how great God's love is for us:

"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

-Times by Tenth Avenue Nort7


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